This was not your choice. This was Mulciber telling you what to do.
If you take the potion, as I expect you will, remember that your reaction might be a difficult one. Know that feeling guilty is natural, and that a lack of pleasure and satisfaction will make the experience that much more unpleasant, but it is a good thing. At the very least, there won't be additional stress and guilt at feeling that pleasure.
You might feel a bit of a rush a few minutes after as a delayed reaction. That's natural, too. See if you can't associate it with something other than the cruciatus -- be checking on Jeremy to see if he's all right, for instance, or forging paperwork for one of our camp visits.
Remember to take care of yourself, Bill. Remember that you're doing all this for a purpose, and that Jeremy doesn't blame you.
Remember that regardless of what you're made to do for this job that you are a good man, which is why this is so hard.
It's done, and he acquitted himself as well as well as we could have asked.
As you saw, I ended up warning him first. Mulciber told me to cruciate him today if he was simply late, or tomorrow if he was sick, because he had failed to call in. Jeremy chose to come in today.
I took the potion about five minutes before he arrived. I thought of ushering him into my office and shutting the door and letting him fake his screams, but Mulciber had explicitly told me to cruciate him, so I didn't dare. He could tell the last time I tried that. So we staged this sordid scene in a semi-public area. He played the surly new employee, trying to bluster his way out with excuses, I played the stern rising manager doing his boss's bidding, and then god help me, I cruciated Jeremy Stretton for thirty seconds. For the first moment I was panicking, afraid that with the potion I couldn't, but then I tapped into my rage at Mulciber for putting me in this spot, and I managed it.
He gritted his teeth trying to hold himself back, the poor sod, but he was screaming by the end of the first ten seconds.
Finally, I broke it off and hauled him to his feet and brought him, stumbling, to my office and shut the door. I raised my voice and continued to tear strips off him for the benefit of passersby as I tended him. I gave him a dose of the post-cruciatus potion and used aguamenti to fill my kettle and I made him some tea with added lemon. Then I shut up and let him drink it. And then we talked.
I apologised, and he said...well. He seemed to understand. He even complimented me. For not holding back. God.
I told him to report back to you, too. I want you to tell me if--if any resentment shows up, that you can detect. I must know, because he's my responsibility, my subordinate onsite, as well as Nick, and I will have to act decisively to repair the damage. If I can. I mean, I think we're all right. But I never dreamed I'd never have to do this to him--I thought Mulciber might, but I didn't consider a scenario where it would be me. Which is bloody foolish, now that I think about it.
Tell Sirius and Severus that their potion for me seemed to help me. I think it would have been much, much worse, having to cruciate my own Order colleague without it.
I sent him back to his desk. Warned him to floo home tonight, rather than apparate. The last thing he needs is to splinch himself.
First off, I'm glad you had the chance to use the potion, and see what sort of impact it would have on you. I'm sure that Severus and Sirius would want a full report. Remember its purpose -- not to punish you, but to dampen your body's reactions after it uses Dark Magic so that you won't crave it.
Don't treat it like a punishment, Bill. If it causes severe reactions, I want you to be honest with both of them to see if there's anything they can adjust.
And secondly, I'm glad you were able to be there for Jeremy. I know it doesn't feel like you were, but you did your best to prepare him, explained what was going on, and took care of him after, which was the responsible thing to do. Neither of you were in mortal danger, and you did something unpleasant, but necessary, and it's over and done now.
I'll be sure to talk to him, love, but if he's the sort who resents you after all that, we've made a mistake in bringing him on -- and I don't believe we have.
Remember that Mulciber is a vindictive sort -- if you react strongly to cruciating Jeremy in particular, he'll note it and might have you do it more often as a result. Try as best as you can to not show how deeply it's affected you. I know it's difficult with the potion at work, but you and I both know that pretending not to care doesn't make you a monster, nor is it what you really think and feel.
He stopped by and verified I'd dealt with Jeremy, so that's done. He's going to be tied up with meetings for most of the day, fortunately, so I'll be able to stay out of his way.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2013-11-28 03:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-28 04:07 pm (UTC)That's fine.
It's going to be all right, Bill.
Just remember -- it would be far worse if Mulciber had to do it himself.
I'm sorry.
no subject
Date: 2013-11-28 07:04 pm (UTC)If you take the potion, as I expect you will, remember that your reaction might be a difficult one. Know that feeling guilty is natural, and that a lack of pleasure and satisfaction will make the experience that much more unpleasant, but it is a good thing. At the very least, there won't be additional stress and guilt at feeling that pleasure.
You might feel a bit of a rush a few minutes after as a delayed reaction. That's natural, too. See if you can't associate it with something other than the cruciatus -- be checking on Jeremy to see if he's all right, for instance, or forging paperwork for one of our camp visits.
Remember to take care of yourself, Bill. Remember that you're doing all this for a purpose, and that Jeremy doesn't blame you.
Remember that regardless of what you're made to do for this job that you are a good man, which is why this is so hard.
no subject
Date: 2013-11-28 07:04 pm (UTC)It's done, and he acquitted himself as well as well as we could have asked.
As you saw, I ended up warning him first. Mulciber told me to cruciate him today if he was simply late, or tomorrow if he was sick, because he had failed to call in. Jeremy chose to come in today.
I took the potion about five minutes before he arrived. I thought of ushering him into my office and shutting the door and letting him fake his screams, but Mulciber had explicitly told me to cruciate him, so I didn't dare. He could tell the last time I tried that. So we staged this sordid scene in a semi-public area. He played the surly new employee, trying to bluster his way out with excuses, I played the stern rising manager doing his boss's bidding, and then god help me, I cruciated Jeremy Stretton for thirty seconds. For the first moment I was panicking, afraid that with the potion I couldn't, but then I tapped into my rage at Mulciber for putting me in this spot, and I managed it.
He gritted his teeth trying to hold himself back, the poor sod, but he was screaming by the end of the first ten seconds.
Finally, I broke it off and hauled him to his feet and brought him, stumbling, to my office and shut the door. I raised my voice and continued to tear strips off him for the benefit of passersby as I tended him. I gave him a dose of the post-cruciatus potion and used aguamenti to fill my kettle and I made him some tea with added lemon. Then I shut up and let him drink it. And then we talked.
I apologised, and he said...well. He seemed to understand. He even complimented me. For not holding back. God.
I told him to report back to you, too. I want you to tell me if--if any resentment shows up, that you can detect. I must know, because he's my responsibility, my subordinate onsite, as well as Nick, and I will have to act decisively to repair the damage. If I can. I mean, I think we're all right. But I never dreamed I'd never have to do this to him--I thought Mulciber might, but I didn't consider a scenario where it would be me. Which is bloody foolish, now that I think about it.
Tell Sirius and Severus that their potion for me seemed to help me. I think it would have been much, much worse, having to cruciate my own Order colleague without it.
I sent him back to his desk. Warned him to floo home tonight, rather than apparate. The last thing he needs is to splinch himself.
Then I sat down and wrote this to you.
I HATE this.no subject
Date: 2013-11-28 07:57 pm (UTC)Well, I've just noticed another, delayed reaction to the potion.
The guilt is even stronger, several hours later.
Which is good. Yes? It will mitigate...the damage.
no subject
Date: 2013-11-28 08:10 pm (UTC)Don't treat it like a punishment, Bill. If it causes severe reactions, I want you to be honest with both of them to see if there's anything they can adjust.
And secondly, I'm glad you were able to be there for Jeremy. I know it doesn't feel like you were, but you did your best to prepare him, explained what was going on, and took care of him after, which was the responsible thing to do. Neither of you were in mortal danger, and you did something unpleasant, but necessary, and it's over and done now.
I'll be sure to talk to him, love, but if he's the sort who resents you after all that, we've made a mistake in bringing him on -- and I don't believe we have.
Remember that Mulciber is a vindictive sort -- if you react strongly to cruciating Jeremy in particular, he'll note it and might have you do it more often as a result. Try as best as you can to not show how deeply it's affected you. I know it's difficult with the potion at work, but you and I both know that pretending not to care doesn't make you a monster, nor is it what you really think and feel.
no subject
Date: 2013-11-28 08:24 pm (UTC)He stopped by and verified I'd dealt with Jeremy, so that's done. He's going to be tied up with meetings for most of the day, fortunately, so I'll be able to stay out of his way.