alt_bill | Order Only: Private Message to Alice Longbottom and Charlie Weasley: Rachel Lamont

Alice (and Charlie):

I think it's a good policy that I'm checking in with both of you every time I have to do one of the cardinals. It forces me think through my decisions and options, and it keeps me accountable. Alice, upon mulling it over, I realise there's another situation I've become enmeshed with that by rights, as the Head of the Order and my commanding officer, so to speak, you should be monitoring carefully.

Once that occurred to me, my immediate impulse was to want to hide the information from you--which makes me suspect I really need to tell you immediately. You do need to know, and it would be a very bad idea to blindside you with this.

Charlie already knows a little about this, which is why he's included on this message, too, and I trust him to keep me honest.

Right. So, then.

I reckon I'm screwing up my nerve.

I've mentioned that I've developed a source within MLE. Things have, ah, developed a little more quickly than I'd planned. Or I even intended, at least at first.

She's an Auror by the name of Rachel Lamont with the Malfeasance Elimination Unit who has been embedded with my division to do audits and investigations. Her role is to root out both corruption and traitors. House Ravenclaw. She left Hogwarts in 1990. Well regarded in her unit, and already occasionally assuming a supervisory role. Intelligent, with a sarcastic sense of humour that I rather like.

She is the one I turned to when I needed someone to coach me on how to do the curses in the first place.

We've been thrown together, in a way, since we both started in our positions at around the same time, and we office close to one another. She assisted me when Mulciber cast Cruciatus on me, and I did the same for her. She has been willing to share information with me, and she's interested in my observations concerning events at the Ministry and the people we encounter there.

We've become quite friendly together. Then, rather unexpectedly, she propositioned me. Um, intimately. You understand, I trust.

I took her up on her offer. This has reoccurred more than once.

I assure you I haven't completely lost my head. Obviously, I have done my best to observe security protocols and I remain wary around her. I have not yet accepted any food or drink from her (bringing take out curry when I visit her, for example. When I've had breakfast at her place, I've gone out to bring food in.)

Well. That's it, that's what I felt I had to report.

I should also let you know that I spoke with Mum tonight to let her know I've been forced by Mulciber to perform the cardinals, and that each time I've checked in with the two of you. I just felt I had to tell her the truth. I imagine either one of you may hear from her soon. She took it as well as could be expected, I suppose. Really, I believe she was trying rather desperately not to react in front of me.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Current Mood: nervous

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

alt_alice

I see.

From:

alt_alice

I need to give this some thought.

From:

alt_alice

Bill;

Rachel Lamont is an Auror whose job is to find traitors within the Ministry. And never forget that you are a traitor, Bill. One of the highest degree. Her superiours are Barty Crouch and Bellatrix Lestrange. She was thoroughly indoctrinated and vetted during her training, which has happened under the shadow of the Protectorate. Is she trained at all in Legilimency? Is she trying to find evidence against you? If she's good at her job, you won't know until they take you in.

I can't help but question your judgement in this matter.

And I have reason to call this into question, as your recent struggles with the Cardinals and your entering into a relationship with Lamont directly coincide. Have you ever considered that this could be a symptom? That your attraction to the Dark Arts is clouding your ability to make appropriate choices?

This is not what the Bill I know would do. And although you may have convinced yourself that you're being careful and safe, I assure you, your deciding to enter into an intimate relationship with an Auror in the first place is neither careful or safe. Trying not to eat her food ought to be the least of your concerns. And regardless of how wary you might think you're being, you are showing yourself to her at your most vulnerable.

To say that I am concerned is an understatement.

From:

alt_bill

I do realise what a danger she poses, not only to me but to all of us. I won't excuse myself by saying that I've elicited more information from her in a month than I have in the previous four years of trying to find a crack in the MLE fortress.

Of course you question my judgement. I'm questioning my judgement, which is why I brought this to you in the first place, once I stopped and really thought about what's been going on. Because yes, I've considered that this could be due to what Mulciber's forcing on me. Using my own vulnerabilities to put me in a position to betray myself, as well as everyone I care about.

So I guess it's best that you know what I think those vulnerabilities are.

I've realised in the past year that I'm--I'm more of a control freak than I like, than I think is appropriate. There's a lot more of Percy in me that I thought. So maybe, if the Dark Arts are doing this to me, they're causing me to...to shake things up. Try something dangerous.

Besides that, working at the Ministry and always having to maintain a facade has taken its toll. I hate my job. I have no words to tell you what a terrifying ogre Corax Mulciber is, but I walk around my office in a constant state of stress, and sometimes outright terror. Sorry, I'm not trying to whine, I'm just trying to explain.

Another thing. Merlin, this is really stripping myself bare-arsed naked, so I hope you appreciate it. I feel like a fool saying this, but I've been goddamned lonely, for years, Alice. I never felt there was anyone I could be with, because of the role I play. No one I could trust. Then I stupidly went and fell in love with Tonks, because--because she was safe and I could trust her. Except she wasn't even interested. I made an idiot of myself over her last December, and she's been kind about it, but I decided I had to get over her.

So then I start casting Cardinals and coincidentally I get involved with the most dangerous woman in my orbit.

You're right, this is not what the Bill you know would do. Maybe that's because you don't quite know the Bill I really am. With the way Mulciber's messing with me, I don't even know who I am anymore.

So. That's why I'm coming clean now, because I honestly need help sorting out this situation.

She's not--she's not trying to put a claim on me, or trying to worm personal stuff out about me. As far as I can tell, it's rather casual for her.

Concerned--yeah. I understand that's an understatement, all right. You're the Head of the Order. By all rights, you should be furious.

Alice, I'm sorry.

From:

alt_alice

I am furious.

But I am also concerned. And yelling will do very little good at this point and time.

You're important, Bill. I depend on you. Your network at the Ministry, your position... I know you hate your job, but now that your father's gone, there is no-one else left in the Order who can accomplish what you could, or who could get your level of access.

I need you with all your wits about you. And I know you've been under more pressure now than you ever have been, but all of this muddies the waters and makes it more likely that something will slip. Even if you don't mean for it to happen.

I know you're unhappy. I can see how you'd be lonely. But you need to start minimizing your risks. And that means stopping your current arrangement with the Auror. I don't care how casual it is. Am I understood?

We'll continue to try and sort out this business with the Cardinals. There's only so much we can do about replacing Mulciber. You can certainly look within Ministry to see if you can transfer and maintain your current capabilities. Perhaps putting up with Mulciber for a bit longer can be leveraged into a promotion.

The work we have to do... it can wear. And we all have our scars to show for it. Some more than others. But your work is vital, Bill.

I wouldn't make you go through this if it weren't. I hope you know that.

From:

alt_charlie

Alice, don't you think that breaking it off with the woman out of the blue would make her more suspicious than anything Bill could do or say otherwise? Especially just after the operation at that camp. We didn't do anything to intervene there, so it wouldn't necessarily lead to uncovering any Order details, but if I were her, I'd find it a lot more suspicious if someone who'd been friendly and outgoing suddenly stopped wanting to hang out with me once something big had happened. If Bill were lucky she might assume he had just been out for gossip, but do you really want to depend on luck?

And we don't have anyone with an oar in with the Aurors.

That having been said, yeah, it's dangerous. And yeah, Bill, I'm worried about you. But Bill's job has been dangerous at least since Mulciber came in, and he spends eight hours a day or more with him.

From:

alt_bill

Thanks for speaking up. Giving her a reason to think about allowing it to continue. Because, to be honest, I want it to continue. Am I just mental?

I won't disobey her if she insists, though.

Merlin, this is so freaking humiliating.

From:

alt_charlie

Don't get me wrong, I'm worried too.

But if you are being affected by Dark magic, well, keeping you away from somebody you're starting to care for isn't exactly the best way to go about keeping you okay. And we really don't have anybody else who can get even a little bit of insight into the Aurors.

From:

alt_bill

I keep thinking about what Terry said. That Dark Magic twists things, so it ends up using your own nature against you. Both the best of your nature and the worst. A wish to do my job for the Order, to find out information, to avoid the shite Mulciber's handing out. My pride, my stubbornness, my reluctance to look like an idiot.

And with her, it can use my wish to be no longer being lonely.

Either way, Terry told me, it can lead you step by step--with every forward movement feeling sensible and well-considered--to the worst possible outcome, the one that'll hurt you the most. Eventually, the one that'll destroy you.

I'm starting to see how wicked clever the Arts are at trapping people. If that's really what's going on.

Of course, maybe it isn't the Arts at all. Maybe I became involved with her because I'm simply the world's biggest idiot.

All right, I hate this, but I'm still glad I told Alice.

Well, not happy glad. But thankful.

From:

alt_alice

I agree that suddenly ceasing contact might be a suspicious move. I also recognise that, at least from Bill's perspective, she views this as a casual arrangement.

Bill is currently emotionally compromised and hates his job. Sleeping with an Auror when at the peak of one's facilities is a rather dangerous move, but given that he's got so many extra cauldrons on the fire, not to mention the unstable and delicate atmosphere of constantly shifting politics at the Ministry, it increases the chances that he might slip.

And to further increase those chances, I'm concerned he's using this liaison to provide an emotional balm, which would be fine... if she weren't an Auror. Seeking a bit of comfort in times of stress is human. I understand that. But seeking comfort from such a dangerous source, where you're constantly watching every word you say... that isn't going to do one any favours.

And yes, getting an 'oar in' is potentially valuable. However, I would never have ordered that he pursue this contact in the way he's chosen.

From:

alt_charlie

I don't think you know just how lonely he's been, Alice. There have been a few nights I'd even go so far as to use the word 'despair'. And it's not that I think he's going to waver from his commitment to the Order because he's lonely -- at least, I hope I don't think that -- but if you tell him he can't see her anymore, he'll listen to you. And I haven't the faintest idea what it will do to him.

From:

alt_charlie

I mean. I know you have to worry about the Order. But I have to worry about my brother, you know?

From:

alt_alice

I know, Charlie.

I do.

Believe me.

I've seen the toll this job took on Arthur. And I've patched together my Frank and pulled him back from the edge of things more times than I can count. And the support he's given me in return is something I don't think I would've survived without.

I understand the strain he's under. I can also tell that he likes her. Which also means that he's even more likely to let down his guard around her.

I don't want to tell him to remain celibate. But for Merlin's sake, Charlie, of all the people to have sex with...

From:

alt_alice

...And I'm going to be spending my afternoon trying to convince your mum that her son is handling everything in a responsible way.

Because telling her my actual doubts and concerns about his recent behaviour would take this and blow it sky high, and neither of them need the additional stress it would cause were she to confront him about it.

From:

alt_bill

Alice:

I accept your decision. I will break things off with her. Something has happened this afternoon that makes me think of an approach I can take which will allow me to do it without arousing suspicion or ill-will on her part. If I play it just right, I hope that she'll still be willing to let tidbits of information drop occasionally. But although I'll remain friendly, I won't seek out her company.

I won't be able to avoid her entirely, understand. Mulciber often assigns us tasks to do together. But I will my utmost to step back and keep it on a pleasant but entirely professional level.

Will that suffice?

From:

alt_alice

Yes.

While we're sorting out your reactions to the Cardinals, I do think it would be best.

I'm sorry, Bill.

From:

alt_bill

Well. Breaking up with her now seems even more the right thing to do. She told me from the beginning that she didn't envision anything exclusive. I just put the pieces together finally this afternoon.

Lucius Malfoy stopped by the Division today. I was on my way to Rachel's office, but I caught a glimpse of him, so I stepped back quickly just behind a corner. He disappeared in her office. A few minutes later he headed out again without stopping to speak with anyone else, and then another minute, she left, too. I tried to catch her, but she brushed me off, something about being on her way to a meeting.

They have been private messaging. Just yesterday was the last. She takes off a couple hours early every Thursday afternoon. And the last time I went to her flat, there was a brand new acquisition: a very expensive tapestry mounted on an easel. Didn't fit with anything in the flat; obviously way over her usual budget.

I am an idiot. Her other lover is Lucius Malfoy.

From:

alt_bill

Shite, Charlie. Even if it weren't completely mental to continue now that I know this, how could I possible compete with him anyway? Of course she would choose the business leader with pots of money and the favour of the LP, who can pull every possible string to help her career.

As opposed to the ginger quill-pusher with goat shite on his boots.

From:

alt_alice

For the record, I don't want to rule over your personal habits, or make you feel as if you need to check with someone every time you enter into an intimate relationship.

What I'm weighing here is a combination of your current mental state and job pressure with the risks involved in your choice in partner.

If one of those things were to resolve, it'd be a different sort of conversation. But I can't help but wonder if the two aren't connected, which is worrisome.

I also can't help but think that the former will decrease your effectiveness at maintaining a high enough level of security that would be needed to successfully navigate the latter.

From:

alt_bill

So I figure all I have to do is go to her and say, 'Sorry, I've been thinking it over, and I said it was all right, but I've realised I really do only want an exclusive relationship. This sort of thing isn't for me."

It'll be perfectly easy. She'll break up with me.

From:

alt_bill

Bugger.

From:

alt_bill

The Order must come first. I want you to know it always does for me.

And I hope if I work long and hard enough, I can restore your faith in me.

From:

alt_charlie

Oh, Bill.

I'm sorry it all went to shite. I wish it hadn't.

And you're worth ten of that arsehole.

From:

alt_alice

I know, love.

I know it with all my heart.

Can you swing by Moddey in the next few days? I think talking things over with Fu a bit more would do you some good.