Ugh, sorry I wasn't around last night when you wrote. We've got a bad strain of Ridgeback flu going back and forth between us and the dragons, and just about everyone's either puking up their toenails or taking care of the dragons who are.
Not...not bad. Because it wasn't Mulciber. Which makes it even sicker in a way.
I decided I had to learn how to do it. Because I just--I was afraid of trying it for real for the first time with Mulciber standing right there and a victim on the floor in front of me. I have to do them if I'm going to stay in this job, and if I have to, I figured it would be better to be taught how to, er, do them right. So I would have control. I figured Mulciber wouldn't be patient with any fumbling around. I wasn't going to ask Percy to help, so I asked an auror who's just been assigned to work with Mulciber, too. Rachel Lamont, from the Malfeasance Elimination unit, with MLE. I figured she could at least tell me as much as the Aurors are taught in their training, and she would be professional about it.
Um. Is it all right if I tell you about it? I think I need to.
She suggested she could supply a victim for the Cruciatus curse, merciful God--I don't know if she meant a prisoner or what. So I said we could use a goat instead. And then she suggested it might make a lot of noise, which could upset the neighbours. So I decided to do it at the fishing hole, figuring it was private. I had hoped to use the goat for Imperio, too, but she said that casting it on a human was different, and I figured that was closer to the conditions--oh hell. I'm babbling.
So I asked the twins. They didn't hesitate; they said yes right away.
I brought her there. We just sat and talked for awhile first, eating takeaway curry. She told me about her training for awhile. I think she was trying to make me less nervous about the whole thing. Then I went to get Fred and George and the goat.
We started out with Imperius. She said it's actually a harder spell, but maybe since I was obviously uncomfortable about the whole thing, the moral thing might be easier, since I was asking permission and everything. She started out by casting it over me, so I could see what it felt like.
I can see what she means, why some people actually like the sensation. It was almost a relief, in a way? Putting all decision-making and responsibility down. I mean, I know it's been done to me before, but Selwyn obliviated me afterward, so I don't remember it. She told me that I could take the opportunity to practise throwing it off. Wasn't able to do so. I just wanted to float.
She had me do a backbend. Weird, never knew I could do that. But she said that was part of the point of why she chose it: Imperius makes you more capable in certain ways because it disconnects you from your own sense of your limitations (not that it makes those limitations disappear mind you. I couldn't have done it if it wasn't in the range of my flexibility. I just never knew it was in the range of my flexibility before).
Then she had me cast it, on George. It took me awhile to figure it out but I did eventually. Only had him do innocuous stuff: put his hands over his head, raise his knee, that sort of thing.
When the spell kicked in, and he got that vague look in his eye and started doing what I ordered him to do...bugger all, Charlie. That's when I felt it.
Shite, it felt so good. Almost like...like sexual release. I mean, I felt like the sickest bugger, getting off like that on ordering my baby brother around.
Fuck. I could see myself getting hooked on this. If I'm not very, very careful.
Wasn't like after the rite in December, then, was it? I wonder ... I wonder if it's always like that, if it feels so good to cast it for everyone. If maybe that's why they made it Unforgiveable in the first place, because otherwise everyone would...
Don't mind me. Just trying to, I don't know, put it together.
I don't know. I think there are some people who have a taste for it. And Percy and I just turned out to be some of the lucky ones. Ugh.
So, yeah, Crucio.
She talked about the mental part, that your mindset is the most important part of casting the spell. Sally-Anne Perks sent me an essay she's written in her Dark Arts class, where she explained that hatred is the primary emotion you draw upon when you're casting it, and anger and contempt are the secondaries. She asked me if there had been any time I'd been angry enough to hurt someone. She didn't ask for any details. Well, that was easy to answer--it was the scene that happened with Ron last December, when I threw him up against a wall and then tried to obliviate him. But I guess it didn't work, because I've felt so much remorse about it, and I've apologised to him. So I told her I needed another approach.
She suggested thinking about Mulciber, to imagine hurting him (I guess she's already twigged to the fact that I really don't like him). When that didn't work, either, she told me to imagine a scenario: I was back in Mulciber's office. I had to cruciate someone. Someone clearly innocent (she actually suggested I imagine it was the tea trolley girl). Or else he would cruciate me. I had to go over it in my mind, playing up the fear and the rage.
My mind was fighting me, I guess. I just didn't want to do it, and that was sort of bolluxing everything up.
So next she told me to imagine that it was Fred and George that Mulciber had at wandpoint and was threatening. That startled me, but I could see her point. I'm more likely to let the rage flow if it's over someone I really care about. She had me stand next to the goat and point my wand at it with my eyes closed. I could feel the emotion starting to well up, and as soon as I realised that, I said the word. But knowing I was on the brink made it all ebb away again.
She told me to substitute another person in my mind that I hated more, if that would help. I played around with imagining Umbridge hexing the twins, but I came back to Mulciber. Maybe I hate him more.
She had me say statements in my mind. I have the right to make you suffer was one, I remember. I think that didn't work because I just don't believe it. I could hear Dad's voice in my mind, trying to get in there instead, and I had to shove it out. Then she suggested, My rage makes me strong. That worked a little better, and the rage started building, but again, I was a split second too late saying the word or something, and it didn't work.
Then something occurred to me, a statement that felt true. It felt right. I thought as hard as I could, The Order needs for me to do this. I thought of Mulciber, and I wrapped it around the rage and I said the word and--and the goat shrieked so loudly I almost dropped my wand.
I had to walk away to pull myself together. I thought of Dad again, and I almost spewed right then and there.
I do not have a taste for Crucio, thank Merlin. Nothing like I do with Imperius.
I kept myself together as I thanked her and said goodbye, and I took the goat back to the shed. Fred and George were perfect. They took me out to the orchard and we did Beater drills until the light was entirely gone. They gave me the Beater bat, and I hit that fucking Bludger so hard I tore the stitching off.
Then I went to bed and barely slept the entire night.
On the one hand, it sounds as though it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I mean, not to belittle what you're feeling, but ... it could have been worse, you know? The Order does need you to do this, or rather, the Order needs you in that position and that position needs you to do this. And if that's the case, it's better that you can, you know what I mean?
On the other hand, over and above the fact that it's Dark sodding magic, if you're this torn up about it, that can't be good for you, either. And if you keep being this shaken by it, Mulciber will notice, and he'll know you're not as gung-ho as he'd expect you to be, and that will make him look more closely at you and that's not a good thing. Or he'll realise how much you hate doing it, and think that's funny, and go out of his way to make you do it as often as possible.
I guess the best thing to do is just to keep your head down and play along, and do what he orders you to do, and try your best to ... I don't know, be elsewhere when he's on a rampage or something, so he doesn't try to get you involved in it. And try to avoid giving him the impression that it makes you sick to do this, but don't make it look like you enjoy it too much, either. If that's even possible.
What did everyone else say about what you should be doing?
Sirius mentioned a potion, something that dampens the pleasure that the susceptible get from casting dark magic. He's trying to find the formula. That would help a lot. I hope he finds it. Severus gave me some suggestions about purifying actions I can take after performing dark magic, too, and he's given me some books on occlumency.
I talked a long time with Alice and Frank and Kingsley. Terry, too, who has had some similar experiences with sick fucks trying to make you do reprehensible things and so he had some useful advice. And oddly enough, Fu was really helpful. He talked about strategic tactics and diversion: trying to distract Mulciber, to fool him into thinking he can accomplish what he wants without making me cast the curses, while I'm actually secretly working toward my own ends.
He happened to be listening in while I was talking about the essay that Perks sent me, which talked about how empathy is a counter to the cardinal curses. But I need the dark emotions to be able to cast the curses at all. So he gave me a metaphor, something that muggles use to run their power systems. I don't understand it, because he was talking about muggle eleckticity--maybe Dad would have grasped the concept better. But there's this thing called 'alternating current,' where the power runs down a cable, and then it reverses and flows in the other direction. I have to learn how to channel the angry dark emotion in order to do the curses--that's what Rachel was teaching me. But then I have to sort of wash it away, overwrite it, heal the damage (and maybe blunt any possible addiction) by flooding myself with empathy. That fits in with what Albus said, about remorse healing the damage caused by dark magic. And it fits with my own experience, how I only started recovering from that rite when I apologised to Ron.
So we figured out that whenever I'm forced to hurt someone, I can minimise the damage to myself if I go out of my way to be kind to them afterwards. (Of course, I'm going to have to hide the fact that I'm doing this from Mulciber). Fu gave me a collection of books from his library on Buddhism which I'm going to read. Some of it may be applicable to Crucio, in particular: Buddhists talk a lot about suffering, and how to handle it.
I dunno--this may not sound like it makes much sense. I have to do a lot of reading. But at least I have an approach to handling this, which might make me think it's not all entirely hopeless.
And I do think I chose rightly to do it this way, yeah. Under controlled conditions, without Mulciber leering at me and someone sobbing on the floor. Actually doing it the first time, under conditions like that would have been much, much worse.
Although it will still obviously suck if I face that in the future.
No, that all does make sense. A lot of sense, really. And I mean, I don't know a lot about all this, but I can imagine it's a lot like trying to deal with a sick dragon -- it can't talk to you, so you can't know for sure what it needs, so you have to try different things and wait and see what works and what doesn't. And if you go in there with a solid conviction that you know what's wrong and what will make the dragon get better, you get stuck in a rut of doing the same thing over and over, even when it isn't actually helping -- so you have to wait and see, and look at what's really there instead of what you think should be there or what you've told yourself would be there if it really was what you'd decided ahead of time it was.
Sorry, that sentence was horrible, I'm not at my best right now.
What I'm trying to say, I think, is that you have to be careful that you don't decide ahead of time that casting those spells is going to make you a monster, because if you decide that, part of you is going to believe that and make it happen. And you can't decide ahead of time that having to cast those spells is going to be something life-shattering, or else a part of you is going to make it be -- make you turn and twist things until the fact that you've had to cast the Unforgiveables makes you, well, unforgiveable. But you can't decide that doing it is fine, either, because then you'll treat it like it's no big deal, and you'll become someone for whom it is no big deal. Fine line, yeah?
You're right to not tell Mum, but you were equally right to tell me. In fact, I want you to promise me right now that whenever you have to cast one of them, you tell someone. Whether it's me, or Alice as the head of the Order, or Sirius or Kingsley or Snape, or even Fu, really -- doesn't really matter. But you have to promise me that you'll tell someone, so we can make sure you aren't tilting too far in one direction or the other.
You've hit it spot on, about it being a balancing act. Exactly.
Your suggestion strikes me as extremely sensible. Yes. I should report it each time. Be responsible to someone.
Hmm. I was only able to cast it in the first place by thinking of that statement about the Order. That makes me think I should report it formally to the Order each time. To Alice, as the Head. The fact that she's an ex-Auror herself will make it seem like...like one of Kingsley's post-mortem reports.
Look, this may all be moot if Mulciber drops dead of a heart attack tomorrow, but if it really does descend into the ugly, I hope you can bear with me if I turn to you about the more, um, personally fraught aspects. I mean, maybe it's childish, but I can't quite see myself explaining to Alice how Imperius feels to me like a magical wank.
You'll keep listening? No matter what? I'm sorry, I feel like a contemptible git begging for reassurance like this, but bloody hell, Charlie, I never imagined having to face something like this before.
Anyway. Yes. I promise. I will tell someone. That's wise and brilliant, and I'm grateful for the suggestion.
Thank you. You have no idea how much you helped. I'm particularly impressed at your helping me like this if you're ailing, and dealing with sick dragons and coworkers on top of everything.
No, you berk, I've only told you twenty times you can tell me anything, it's not like I mean it or anything.
Sorry, I shouldn't be sarcastic at you, not when you're obviously this torn up about it. But Circe's saggy tits, Bill, if you feel like you can't talk to me about anything and everything, I'm obviously falling down on the job. Yes, I'll listen. It's what I do, isn't it? Family's family.
Now put your journal down, go get some lunch, and stop chewing over this like last night's leftovers. You need to stay sharp while you're there, and I'm sure your new boss frowns on you writing in your journal when you could be anticipating his every whim.
Maybe go find that Auror and ask her to lunch with you. Lunch with a pretty girl makes it hard to mope.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 12:46 pm (UTC)You all right?
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 02:04 pm (UTC)Except I have to. The reason I was writing to you in the middle of the night was because--
Now I'm screwing up my nerve to say it.
Charlie. I've cast two of the cardinal curses.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 02:09 pm (UTC)That bad, then?
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 02:22 pm (UTC)I decided I had to learn how to do it. Because I just--I was afraid of trying it for real for the first time with Mulciber standing right there and a victim on the floor in front of me. I have to do them if I'm going to stay in this job, and if I have to, I figured it would be better to be taught how to, er, do them right. So I would have control. I figured Mulciber wouldn't be patient with any fumbling around. I wasn't going to ask Percy to help, so I asked an auror who's just been assigned to work with Mulciber, too. Rachel Lamont, from the Malfeasance Elimination unit, with MLE. I figured she could at least tell me as much as the Aurors are taught in their training, and she would be professional about it.
Um. Is it all right if I tell you about it?
I think I need to.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 02:25 pm (UTC)And yeah, it's all right to talk about it, if you need to. I'm not going to turn up my nose at you.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 02:45 pm (UTC)Well.
She suggested she could supply a victim for the Cruciatus curse, merciful God--I don't know if she meant a prisoner or what. So I said we could use a goat instead. And then she suggested it might make a lot of noise, which could upset the neighbours. So I decided to do it at the fishing hole, figuring it was private. I had hoped to use the goat for Imperio, too, but she said that casting it on a human was different, and I figured that was closer to the conditions--oh hell. I'm babbling.
So I asked the twins. They didn't hesitate; they said yes right away.
I brought her there. We just sat and talked for awhile first, eating takeaway curry. She told me about her training for awhile. I think she was trying to make me less nervous about the whole thing. Then I went to get Fred and George and the goat.
We started out with Imperius. She said it's actually a harder spell, but maybe since I was obviously uncomfortable about the whole thing, the moral thing might be easier, since I was asking permission and everything. She started out by casting it over me, so I could see what it felt like.
I can see what she means, why some people actually like the sensation. It was almost a relief, in a way? Putting all decision-making and responsibility down. I mean, I know it's been done to me before, but Selwyn obliviated me afterward, so I don't remember it. She told me that I could take the opportunity to practise throwing it off. Wasn't able to do so. I just wanted to float.
She had me do a backbend. Weird, never knew I could do that. But she said that was part of the point of why she chose it: Imperius makes you more capable in certain ways because it disconnects you from your own sense of your limitations (not that it makes those limitations disappear mind you. I couldn't have done it if it wasn't in the range of my flexibility. I just never knew it was in the range of my flexibility before).
Then she had me cast it, on George. It took me awhile to figure it out but I did eventually. Only had him do innocuous stuff: put his hands over his head, raise his knee, that sort of thing.
When the spell kicked in, and he got that vague look in his eye and started doing what I ordered him to do...bugger all, Charlie. That's when I felt it.
Shite, it felt so good. Almost like...like sexual release. I mean, I felt like the sickest bugger, getting off like that on ordering my baby brother around.
Fuck. I could see myself getting hooked on this. If I'm not very, very careful.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 02:52 pm (UTC)Wasn't like after the rite in December, then, was it? I wonder ... I wonder if it's always like that, if it feels so good to cast it for everyone. If maybe that's why they made it Unforgiveable in the first place, because otherwise everyone would...
Don't mind me. Just trying to, I don't know, put it together.
What about the other part, then?
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 03:20 pm (UTC)So, yeah, Crucio.
She talked about the mental part, that your mindset is the most important part of casting the spell. Sally-Anne Perks sent me an essay she's written in her Dark Arts class, where she explained that hatred is the primary emotion you draw upon when you're casting it, and anger and contempt are the secondaries. She asked me if there had been any time I'd been angry enough to hurt someone. She didn't ask for any details. Well, that was easy to answer--it was the scene that happened with Ron last December, when I threw him up against a wall and then tried to obliviate him. But I guess it didn't work, because I've felt so much remorse about it, and I've apologised to him. So I told her I needed another approach.
She suggested thinking about Mulciber, to imagine hurting him (I guess she's already twigged to the fact that I really don't like him). When that didn't work, either, she told me to imagine a scenario: I was back in Mulciber's office. I had to cruciate someone. Someone clearly innocent (she actually suggested I imagine it was the tea trolley girl). Or else he would cruciate me. I had to go over it in my mind, playing up the fear and the rage.
My mind was fighting me, I guess. I just didn't want to do it, and that was sort of bolluxing everything up.
So next she told me to imagine that it was Fred and George that Mulciber had at wandpoint and was threatening. That startled me, but I could see her point. I'm more likely to let the rage flow if it's over someone I really care about. She had me stand next to the goat and point my wand at it with my eyes closed. I could feel the emotion starting to well up, and as soon as I realised that, I said the word. But knowing I was on the brink made it all ebb away again.
She told me to substitute another person in my mind that I hated more, if that would help. I played around with imagining Umbridge hexing the twins, but I came back to Mulciber. Maybe I hate him more.
She had me say statements in my mind. I have the right to make you suffer was one, I remember. I think that didn't work because I just don't believe it. I could hear Dad's voice in my mind, trying to get in there instead, and I had to shove it out. Then she suggested, My rage makes me strong. That worked a little better, and the rage started building, but again, I was a split second too late saying the word or something, and it didn't work.
Then something occurred to me, a statement that felt true. It felt right. I thought as hard as I could, The Order needs for me to do this. I thought of Mulciber, and I wrapped it around the rage and I said the word and--and the goat shrieked so loudly I almost dropped my wand.
I had to walk away to pull myself together. I thought of Dad again, and I almost spewed right then and there.
I do not have a taste for Crucio, thank Merlin. Nothing like I do with Imperius.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 03:24 pm (UTC)Then I went to bed and barely slept the entire night.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 03:35 pm (UTC)On the one hand, it sounds as though it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I mean, not to belittle what you're feeling, but ... it could have been worse, you know? The Order does need you to do this, or rather, the Order needs you in that position and that position needs you to do this. And if that's the case, it's better that you can, you know what I mean?
On the other hand, over and above the fact that it's Dark sodding magic, if you're this torn up about it, that can't be good for you, either. And if you keep being this shaken by it, Mulciber will notice, and he'll know you're not as gung-ho as he'd expect you to be, and that will make him look more closely at you and that's not a good thing. Or he'll realise how much you hate doing it, and think that's funny, and go out of his way to make you do it as often as possible.
I guess the best thing to do is just to keep your head down and play along, and do what he orders you to do, and try your best to ... I don't know, be elsewhere when he's on a rampage or something, so he doesn't try to get you involved in it. And try to avoid giving him the impression that it makes you sick to do this, but don't make it look like you enjoy it too much, either. If that's even possible.
What did everyone else say about what you should be doing?
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 03:55 pm (UTC)I talked a long time with Alice and Frank and Kingsley. Terry, too, who has had some similar experiences with sick fucks trying to make you do reprehensible things and so he had some useful advice. And oddly enough, Fu was really helpful. He talked about strategic tactics and diversion: trying to distract Mulciber, to fool him into thinking he can accomplish what he wants without making me cast the curses, while I'm actually secretly working toward my own ends.
He happened to be listening in while I was talking about the essay that Perks sent me, which talked about how empathy is a counter to the cardinal curses. But I need the dark emotions to be able to cast the curses at all. So he gave me a metaphor, something that muggles use to run their power systems. I don't understand it, because he was talking about muggle eleckticity--maybe Dad would have grasped the concept better. But there's this thing called 'alternating current,' where the power runs down a cable, and then it reverses and flows in the other direction. I have to learn how to channel the angry dark emotion in order to do the curses--that's what Rachel was teaching me. But then I have to sort of wash it away, overwrite it, heal the damage (and maybe blunt any possible addiction) by flooding myself with empathy. That fits in with what Albus said, about remorse healing the damage caused by dark magic. And it fits with my own experience, how I only started recovering from that rite when I apologised to Ron.
So we figured out that whenever I'm forced to hurt someone, I can minimise the damage to myself if I go out of my way to be kind to them afterwards. (Of course, I'm going to have to hide the fact that I'm doing this from Mulciber). Fu gave me a collection of books from his library on Buddhism which I'm going to read. Some of it may be applicable to Crucio, in particular: Buddhists talk a lot about suffering, and how to handle it.
I dunno--this may not sound like it makes much sense. I have to do a lot of reading. But at least I have an approach to handling this, which might make me think it's not all entirely hopeless.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 04:10 pm (UTC)Although it will still obviously suck if I face that in the future.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 03:36 pm (UTC)And if you start coming up with excuses to cast those spells more often, or start enjoying it too much ... I still won't judge you. But I'll stop you.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 03:57 pm (UTC)The twins know, obviously. I haven't told Ron or Mum or Percy.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 03:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 04:16 pm (UTC)Sorry, that sentence was horrible, I'm not at my best right now.
What I'm trying to say, I think, is that you have to be careful that you don't decide ahead of time that casting those spells is going to make you a monster, because if you decide that, part of you is going to believe that and make it happen. And you can't decide ahead of time that having to cast those spells is going to be something life-shattering, or else a part of you is going to make it be -- make you turn and twist things until the fact that you've had to cast the Unforgiveables makes you, well, unforgiveable. But you can't decide that doing it is fine, either, because then you'll treat it like it's no big deal, and you'll become someone for whom it is no big deal. Fine line, yeah?
You're right to not tell Mum, but you were equally right to tell me. In fact, I want you to promise me right now that whenever you have to cast one of them, you tell someone. Whether it's me, or Alice as the head of the Order, or Sirius or Kingsley or Snape, or even Fu, really -- doesn't really matter. But you have to promise me that you'll tell someone, so we can make sure you aren't tilting too far in one direction or the other.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 04:29 pm (UTC)Your suggestion strikes me as extremely sensible. Yes. I should report it each time. Be responsible to someone.
Hmm. I was only able to cast it in the first place by thinking of that statement about the Order. That makes me think I should report it formally to the Order each time. To Alice, as the Head. The fact that she's an ex-Auror herself will make it seem like...like one of Kingsley's post-mortem reports.
Look, this may all be moot if Mulciber drops dead of a heart attack tomorrow, but if it really does descend into the ugly, I hope you can bear with me if I turn to you about the more, um, personally fraught aspects. I mean, maybe it's childish, but I can't quite see myself explaining to Alice how Imperius feels to me like a magical wank.
You'll keep listening? No matter what? I'm sorry, I feel like a contemptible git begging for reassurance like this, but bloody hell, Charlie, I never imagined having to face something like this before.
Anyway. Yes. I promise. I will tell someone. That's wise and brilliant, and I'm grateful for the suggestion.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 04:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 04:40 pm (UTC)Sorry, I shouldn't be sarcastic at you, not when you're obviously this torn up about it. But Circe's saggy tits, Bill, if you feel like you can't talk to me about anything and everything, I'm obviously falling down on the job. Yes, I'll listen. It's what I do, isn't it? Family's family.
Now put your journal down, go get some lunch, and stop chewing over this like last night's leftovers. You need to stay sharp while you're there, and I'm sure your new boss frowns on you writing in your journal when you could be anticipating his every whim.
Maybe go find that Auror and ask her to lunch with you. Lunch with a pretty girl makes it hard to mope.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 04:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-07-04 04:47 pm (UTC)But I didn't know for sure, not until you just told me. Now get!