Order Only: Private message to Charlie Weasley

[alt_bill]

I hope Maggie was happy to see you again. Not to mention Dree and Em. (I suppose that's too much to expect from Copacati. Tell me that at least she refrained from biting you.)

It's hard going back though, isn't it? I was so knackered when I came home tonight that I almost ended up planting myself face first in my plate of Mum's shepherd pie at dinner. How'd your first day back go?

Do tell your coworkers thanks again, from all the Weasleys, for shifting schedules around so that you could get so much time off.

Mum seemed to do all right today. As best as I could tell, anyway. If she sat down to have a little weep at midday of course, I wasn't here to see it, and she didn't admit it to me. I'm afraid that time is going to weigh heavily on her hands now that she's being eased out her barter network role. At least until the spring gardening season starts. She's used to being busy. I do think having her explore starting at Laszlo's is a good idea. Glad that Remus, Tonks and Sirius are willing to at least consider it.

Speaking of Laszlo's, last night was an excellent way to end our time together. Must admit I got almost misty-eyed watching Remus with Bea. Even a bit choked up. Reckon he's already as good a dad as Dad was (I did snicker to myself though when I spotted the jam on his lapel and the stuffed toy dangling out of his pocket). Between Tonks, Remus, Sirius, the Order and all the customers--not to mention you and me--Bea is going to be the most doted upon kid in New London.

I'm ready to start a new chess game. Do you want black or white this time?

One other thing. Thanks. Not just for all your help and support the past few weeks but also...for viewing that cursed memory. I know it wasn't pleasant. And yeah, I resisted when you first suggested it, but oddly enough, you were dead right. It's a comfort that I'm not carrying the weight of that all by myself anymore. Maybe that makes me selfish, but at least I don't feel so alone now. So, yeah.

Thanks.

That reminds me: Albus pulled me aside privately when the meeting was over and said something downright peculiar. He was talking about the rite, and my presence there. He told me that the effects of proximity to dark magic can vary from person to person. Mania, megalomania, even lust. Anger, aggression and irritation, too. (Which, I'm sure you'll agree, seems to be the route I took.) Of course it's worse if you do the dark magic yourself, he went on, but even just witnessing it can be difficult. 'One of the best antidotes, of course,' he added, looking at me in that piercing way he has, 'is remorse.'

At first I didn't understand. I hadn't participated in the rite; I didn't kill anybody.

But then I remembered what I did to Ron. And that's when I realised it for the first time: since I've apologised to him, I have felt better. It's a funny thing. That desperate, trapped-inside-my-own-skin feeling that made me want to flay myself with my own teeth, that has entirely disappeared.

Guess Albus knows what he's talking about.

Comments

[alt_charlie]

"Knackered" is a good enough way to put it. Two and a half weeks is apparently long enough to lose the knack of twelve-hour days; I wound up skipping supper and falling face down on my bunk the minute I was relieved. At least I took my boots off first.

I'm glad you're feeling better. And that Albus was right. I hope you and Ron can work your way around to being all right with each other again, but knowing Ron I think it'll take a bit of time -- look up 'stubborn' in the dictionary, it's got his picture there for it. So don't push too hard, yeah? I'll give him a bit to calm down some and then I'll try writing to him and see where his head's at.

I enjoyed the other night a lot -- that baby is the happiest child I've ever met. (All right, I might just be remembering Ginny at that age -- any baby would look relaxed next to her!) Just you wait, the minute Mum starts working there and spending more time around Bea, she's going to start dropping hints like anvils on us about grandchildren.

I really hope she doesn't. I don't have the heart to tell her that even if I did feel like I could tell her about things with Dree and Em without her going spare, I've thought about it a lot and ... I just don't know that I could have kids right now. Not with everything. I know Mum and Dad held off on joining the Order proper when we were all younger because of us, and I know they changed their minds when Mum's brothers got killed, and I guess that's a good enough reason, but ...

I've just been thinking a bit, these past few weeks, I guess. About what would have happened if Mum or Dad had been exposed as a member of the Order when we were younger. Or got killed. And I'm willing to take that risk for myself, but I don't think I could do that to a child. And even if I could, or even if there wasn't the Order to think of ... this isn't the sort of world I think I'd want to bring a kid up in.

But then I think that, and I look at Little Miss Sunshine and think, was it wrong for Remus and Tonks to have her? Is it wrong for them to keep up their work in the Order now that they do? And then I'm back around to "it's a good thing Bea's got such a large family, in case anything happens", and then I realise I'm getting mopey and go do something else to take my mind off things.

I envy the rest of the Order sometimes, you know? They remember the way things used to be. Before. I don't, really. Just a little bit, and it's all stories and what I remember from being a kid.

And you're welcome. For everything.

I'll set up the board again tonight or tomorrow. Your turn to play white, I think.

[alt_bill]

My instinct's the same as yours on Ron. Even if it made me feel better, the apology clearly didn't mollify him much, and I'm sure he's convinced I--well. Never mind. Yeah, I plan to give him a few weeks, and then I'll write to him. Maybe it'll cheer him up if I give him another opening to yell at me again.

Mum hinted to me about grandkids once. But I have a hunch Dad privately told her to back off, and she hasn't done so since. I know I want kids...someday. And someone to have them with. Not now, though. Or not yet. And yeah, I'd prefer not to bring them into a world like this. Which just adds a sense of urgency to the work we do for the Order, doesn't it? We need to get cracking and change the world, I guess.

I can't blame other parents for going ahead, though. God, we need to have some hope in the future if we're going to go on at all, don't we?

[alt_charlie]

It's a tough question, isn't it? On the one hand, can you really justify bringing a kid into this world, to grow up under the rule of the "Lord Protector" and his lot -- while on the other, yeah, what you said about having hope. And a reason to fight.

Mind you, thinking about that memory of yours, that's enough reason for me. Because a government that decides to make a -- fifteen? sixteen? -- year old kid kill his own mother to help keep it in power doesn't deserve to survive.

And -- oh, Merlin. I just thought of something. When we get rid of His Evilness and break the wards, and I do believe we will -- what's that going to do to Finnigan? To have to live with knowing he did that and to not even have left whatever comforting lies they told him to convince him it was necessary and needed?

Yeah. That's going to keep me up tonight. Or it would, if I wasn't so damn exhausted.

[alt_bill]

Ugh, that is an awful thought.

I wonder how he's doing. Is HE feeling remorse? If he isn't, by all rights it should wreck him much worse than it wrecked me.

I wonder if it is, if it's enough for Ron to notice?

It feels as though we're losing a generation. You and I are the vanguard, the ones with only a faint memory of the way things used to be. We need to get this turned around again while there are still people who have the memories to lead us back.