I suppose it's partly that I'm waiting for the explosion of wrath from the Burrow when Mum gets done feeding the chickens, sits down at the kitchen table with her journal and morning coffee and reads Pomona's entry.
So, is it that what's keeping you up is you keeping up and nobody there to give you a hand, pardon the crudity, or is it a more cerebral sort of loneliness?
I am lucky, don't get me wrong. They're lovely to me, and I appreciate them, quite a bit. But it's not anything like true love, not like Mum and Dad have. Or rather, the two of them have that kind of relationship with each other, and I'm just along for the ride for a while. Doesn't bother me, not in the least -- I'm nowhere near ready to settle down, not with anybody -- but if you're being wistful about my love life, you might be romanticising it a bit.
Pressure of trying to keep your double life as a superspy secret from everyone getting to you a bit?
I snorted tea out of my nose when I read that first bit. But, yeah. Some of both. Horny AND lonely. Celibacy sucks. And...
Yeah, I do want what Mum and Dad have. Well, without the chickens and the goats, I suppose. And I am ready to settle down. Or I would be, if the only prospect weren't.
I go out on dates because I'm so frustrated and then I break it off after two or three times, because, well with the Order hanging over my head, what's the point?
Bxf3. (Gah. Wish I could clobber a knight for real. Wish I could clobber something.)
Mate, I know you. It's not that the Order's hanging over your head because you're worried about security, because you're twelve times more cautious than Mum and Dad are and they manage to conduct Order business with Lucius sodding Malfoy's private clerk sitting there at the kitchen table. It's that you're too bloody honest at heart, and you couldn't bring yourself to hide such a big part of you from someone you're dating.
You're going to have to get over that, if you want to find someone. Find a girl you like, and don't talk politics at all at first, and if she seems sympathetic over time, then you can recruit her. Hell, I've known Dree and Em for -- what, five years now? And even though I think both of them might be sympathetic, we just don't talk about it. Ever.
Or is there somebody in particular you're pining for?
And I shouldn't be taking advantage of you in this state to play you, you know. It's not fair of me! But, Bxf3.
(And if you want something to clobber, pop up here for the weekend, there's plenty of stuff you could demolish for us.)
That's a nice but kind of a funny compliment to give me, considering that I lie ALL THE TIME for my sodding job.
There's someone I've been thinking about, yeah. It wouldn't even have the same secrecy problem, which would certainly be useful, although that's not the only reason, but Merlin, it's complicated. And she doesn't have a clue, and I don't think she'd be interested in the least. At any rate she's never given me a hint of noticing me that way.
But I've noticed her.
It's Dora.
Bugger. Maybe I should just chuck it all, run away to Sherwood myself and find someone there.
As for taking advantage of me...ha. You wish. At least I know enough to take out one of your knights, knowing your playing style.
Oi, when have I ever told Mum or Dad something you told me in confidence? All right, there was that time when I was eight and you were ten and you were planning on running away for an adventure, but I still hold that was justified.
You're not a fool, but "complicated" is a good word for that, yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong, she's a great girl, but I think right now she's looking to figure out who Tonks is, on her own two feet, instead of looking for something serious and committed with somebody else. (And there's a free hint for getting on with her: she hasn't made a big deal about it to anyone, but I've noticed she's been calling herself Tonks lately, not Dora anymore, and I think it's to honor her father. Might want to switch.)
Have you ever said anything to her about it? Or asked her on a date, or even just out for coffee or dinner? She might still say no, but at least then you'd know.
She did offer to stand you a drink for your birthday, yeah? Take her up on it and see. But for Merlin's sake, don't make it a big thing like you're asking her to spend the rest of her life with you. Men are supposed to be the ones who need to get tricked into commitment, but in my experience, witches are twice as wary of any wizard who seems to be overly invested right at first.
I've talked with her when I've gone round for a Friday night beer, but I've been guarding myself, trying to not let a single clue out. Which means I haven't said anything to hint to her, no.
Because it's complicated.
I guess I'll try. It's difficult, because--well, it's crazy, but as long as I don't float the idea, I can still keep that tiny hope, you know?
But I know Dad says hopes are useless if you never act on them.
H6, and I think that's it for me for the night. I'm finally getting sleepy for real.
Right. Here's where I get philosophical, and then I'm off to bed myself.
Don't think I ever told you this, since it was during that year or two I was trying to pretend I wasn't related to any of you lot, but back at Hogwarts I had this massive thing for Lila Sathingford. Walking-into-walls-because-I-was-too-busy-looking-at-her levels. And I thought there was no way she'd ever be interested in me, so I never said anything, and she dated other people and I dated other people and she got married right out of school and they're very happy together.
Ran into her, oh, a year later or so, right after she'd announced they were expecting their first, and I bought her a cup of tea and we talked about all the people we'd known, and she kissed my cheek as we were saying our goodbyes and confessed she'd always had a bit of a thing for me in school and was surprised I'd never noticed.
I'd already decided life was too short to muck around with pining from afar, but that settled it for certain. So now if I'm attracted to somebody, I'll put it out there right up front, and that way everybody knows the score and we can be grownups about it. Most of the time, I get the I'm-very-flattered-but, I parry with oh-well-a-guy's-gotta-try, and we can get on with being friends. Sometimes she (or he, yeah, but that's usually more complicated to try to negotiate around) returns the interest, but is looking for something way more serious than I am, and we agree that our expectations aren't right for each other. But every lover I've had came about because I said something outright, right up front, instead of letting it build up until something exploded and a bunch of people got hurt.
And that sounds a bit horrible, like I'm bouncing from mattress to mattress, which I'm not, really. (For one thing, I don't have the time!) But it's why Mum's never been able to tell my friends from my lovers: everyone I've ever been with has been a lark for fun, or a friend good enough to get naked and silly with, and the few serious relationships I've had have all started that way too. I'm not saying you should try that too -- I don't think you're the type for it. And I know what you mean about hoping sometimes being better than knowing. But if you're interested in Tonks, don't let her be your Lila Sathingford, yeah?
She might say no. I'll be honest with you, mate: I think she'd probably say no. Every time we've talked about our personal lives, everything she's said makes me think she's not interested in anything serious, and might not be interested in anything at all. (Not that we've ever talked about you in particular, just talked about things in general.) And there are even more complicated bits I can't tell you, that come from conversations in confidence that I won't repeat, because she's my friend. But Dad's right. No matter how complicated it is.
Have a drink with her. See how it goes. Listen to what she says, have a real conversation with her and not with your picture of her, and when the moment feels right, say something like, "I know your life's complicated right now, but I like you a lot and I'd like to get to know you better. Can I take you out to dinner one night we're both free?"
If she says no, or doesn't seem enthusiastic about the idea, just smile and say, "No, of course I understand, just thought I'd ask," then change the subject immediately back to something she was talking about a few minutes ago and don't act any differently for the rest of the conversation. (Then you can go home and kick things after, and figure out what to do from there.) And if she says yes, well, there you go, yeah? And you let her set the pace from there.
And don't worry: I won't say anything to Mum and Dad, or to Tonks herself, even. But don't keep torturing yourself with what-ifs. It's not fair for anybody involved -- it's not fair to you to be constantly tormenting yourself with possibilities and holding her up as some imagined ideal no other woman will ever be able to meet, and it's not fair to her for you to have that ideal in your head when you talk to her and you're the only one who knows.
And you're welcome, and I'll repeat the favour anytime, since you've certainly listened to me enough over the years. Hope you're asleep by now, and I'm not far behind you. But first, let me send the second bishop in to help the pawns with that catapult they're still working on: Be3.
Awake again, and reading this. You make a persuasive case, little brother. I think I will take a deep breath and take your advice.
Lila Sathingford, huh? You hid it well; I never knew. (And ouch.) I can see why you'd draw that life lesson/conclusion subsequently about carpe diem.
But then, I suppose you've always been better at doing that than me. Which is why you have a career as a dragon handler versus me sitting behind a desk at the Ministry.
But bloody hell, I am a Gryffindor. After all, why else did you give me that scrimshaw dragon tooth with the Gryffindor crest?
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 10:14 am (UTC)O-O.
no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 10:17 am (UTC)I suppose it's partly that I'm waiting for the explosion of wrath from the Burrow when Mum gets done feeding the chickens, sits down at the kitchen table with her journal and morning coffee and reads Pomona's entry.
Bg4.
no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 10:19 am (UTC)D5.
no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 10:25 am (UTC)Merlin, Charlie, you have no idea how lucky you are, having Deidre and Em.
Nb8.
no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 10:41 am (UTC)I am lucky, don't get me wrong. They're lovely to me, and I appreciate them, quite a bit. But it's not anything like true love, not like Mum and Dad have. Or rather, the two of them have that kind of relationship with each other, and I'm just along for the ride for a while. Doesn't bother me, not in the least -- I'm nowhere near ready to settle down, not with anybody -- but if you're being wistful about my love life, you might be romanticising it a bit.
Pressure of trying to keep your double life as a superspy secret from everyone getting to you a bit?
H3.
no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 10:53 am (UTC)Yeah, I do want what Mum and Dad have. Well, without the chickens and the goats, I suppose. And I am ready to settle down.
Or I would be, if the only prospect weren't.I go out on dates because I'm so frustrated and then I break it off after two or three times, because, well with the Order hanging over my head, what's the point?
Bxf3. (Gah. Wish I could clobber a knight for real. Wish I could clobber something.)
no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 11:03 am (UTC)You're going to have to get over that, if you want to find someone. Find a girl you like, and don't talk politics at all at first, and if she seems sympathetic over time, then you can recruit her. Hell, I've known Dree and Em for -- what, five years now? And even though I think both of them might be sympathetic, we just don't talk about it. Ever.
Or is there somebody in particular you're pining for?
And I shouldn't be taking advantage of you in this state to play you, you know. It's not fair of me! But, Bxf3.
(And if you want something to clobber, pop up here for the weekend, there's plenty of stuff you could demolish for us.)
no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 11:14 am (UTC)There's someone I've been thinking about, yeah. It wouldn't even have the same secrecy problem, which would certainly be useful, although that's not the only reason, but Merlin, it's complicated. And she doesn't have a clue, and I don't think she'd be interested in the least. At any rate she's never given me a hint of noticing me that way.
But I've noticed her.
It's Dora.
Bugger. Maybe I should just chuck it all, run away to Sherwood myself and find someone there.
As for taking advantage of me...ha. You wish. At least I know enough to take out one of your knights, knowing your playing style.
Nbd7.
no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 11:17 am (UTC)Go on. Tell me I'm a fool.
no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 11:28 am (UTC)You're not a fool, but "complicated" is a good word for that, yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong, she's a great girl, but I think right now she's looking to figure out who Tonks is, on her own two feet, instead of looking for something serious and committed with somebody else. (And there's a free hint for getting on with her: she hasn't made a big deal about it to anyone, but I've noticed she's been calling herself Tonks lately, not Dora anymore, and I think it's to honor her father. Might want to switch.)
Have you ever said anything to her about it? Or asked her on a date, or even just out for coffee or dinner? She might still say no, but at least then you'd know.
She did offer to stand you a drink for your birthday, yeah? Take her up on it and see. But for Merlin's sake, don't make it a big thing like you're asking her to spend the rest of her life with you. Men are supposed to be the ones who need to get tricked into commitment, but in my experience, witches are twice as wary of any wizard who seems to be overly invested right at first.
G4.
no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 11:38 am (UTC)Because it's complicated.
I guess I'll try. It's difficult, because--well, it's crazy, but as long as I don't float the idea, I can still keep that tiny hope, you know?
But I know Dad says hopes are useless if you never act on them.
H6, and I think that's it for me for the night. I'm finally getting sleepy for real.
(And Charlie? Thanks.)
no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 12:40 pm (UTC)Don't think I ever told you this, since it was during that year or two I was trying to pretend I wasn't related to any of you lot, but back at Hogwarts I had this massive thing for Lila Sathingford. Walking-into-walls-because-I-was-too-busy-looking-at-her levels. And I thought there was no way she'd ever be interested in me, so I never said anything, and she dated other people and I dated other people and she got married right out of school and they're very happy together.
Ran into her, oh, a year later or so, right after she'd announced they were expecting their first, and I bought her a cup of tea and we talked about all the people we'd known, and she kissed my cheek as we were saying our goodbyes and confessed she'd always had a bit of a thing for me in school and was surprised I'd never noticed.
I'd already decided life was too short to muck around with pining from afar, but that settled it for certain. So now if I'm attracted to somebody, I'll put it out there right up front, and that way everybody knows the score and we can be grownups about it. Most of the time, I get the I'm-very-flattered-but, I parry with oh-well-a-guy's-gotta-try, and we can get on with being friends. Sometimes she (or he, yeah, but that's usually more complicated to try to negotiate around) returns the interest, but is looking for something way more serious than I am, and we agree that our expectations aren't right for each other. But every lover I've had came about because I said something outright, right up front, instead of letting it build up until something exploded and a bunch of people got hurt.
And that sounds a bit horrible, like I'm bouncing from mattress to mattress, which I'm not, really. (For one thing, I don't have the time!) But it's why Mum's never been able to tell my friends from my lovers: everyone I've ever been with has been a lark for fun, or a friend good enough to get naked and silly with, and the few serious relationships I've had have all started that way too. I'm not saying you should try that too -- I don't think you're the type for it. And I know what you mean about hoping sometimes being better than knowing. But if you're interested in Tonks, don't let her be your Lila Sathingford, yeah?
She might say no. I'll be honest with you, mate: I think she'd probably say no. Every time we've talked about our personal lives, everything she's said makes me think she's not interested in anything serious, and might not be interested in anything at all. (Not that we've ever talked about you in particular, just talked about things in general.) And there are even more complicated bits I can't tell you, that come from conversations in confidence that I won't repeat, because she's my friend. But Dad's right. No matter how complicated it is.
Have a drink with her. See how it goes. Listen to what she says, have a real conversation with her and not with your picture of her, and when the moment feels right, say something like, "I know your life's complicated right now, but I like you a lot and I'd like to get to know you better. Can I take you out to dinner one night we're both free?"
If she says no, or doesn't seem enthusiastic about the idea, just smile and say, "No, of course I understand, just thought I'd ask," then change the subject immediately back to something she was talking about a few minutes ago and don't act any differently for the rest of the conversation. (Then you can go home and kick things after, and figure out what to do from there.) And if she says yes, well, there you go, yeah? And you let her set the pace from there.
And don't worry: I won't say anything to Mum and Dad, or to Tonks herself, even. But don't keep torturing yourself with what-ifs. It's not fair for anybody involved -- it's not fair to you to be constantly tormenting yourself with possibilities and holding her up as some imagined ideal no other woman will ever be able to meet, and it's not fair to her for you to have that ideal in your head when you talk to her and you're the only one who knows.
And you're welcome, and I'll repeat the favour anytime, since you've certainly listened to me enough over the years. Hope you're asleep by now, and I'm not far behind you. But first, let me send the second bishop in to help the pawns with that catapult they're still working on: Be3.
no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 08:35 pm (UTC)Lila Sathingford, huh? You hid it well; I never knew. (And ouch.) I can see why you'd draw that life lesson/conclusion subsequently about carpe diem.
But then, I suppose you've always been better at doing that than me. Which is why you have a career as a dragon handler versus me sitting behind a desk at the Ministry.
But bloody hell, I am a Gryffindor. After all, why else did you give me that scrimshaw dragon tooth with the Gryffindor crest?
a5.
no subject
Date: 2012-12-01 03:29 pm (UTC)Right on schedule.